Living fearlessly

Photo credit.

What follows is a rather rambling, self-indulgent essay.

I’m trying to live my life fearlessly.

There’s a lot of talk, in the news, about the H1N1 virus.

Millions of people are out of work, times are tough, fear appears to be multiplying at an amazing rate.

I spent about an hour in downtown Seattle today, and I saw more ‘Jesus freaks’ than ever, carrying huge signs and preaching that the end is near.

“You can walk by me with out saying a word, Sister, but you need to pray to God now for Salvation, because the end is near,” one street corner preacher admonished me as I walked by him.

I noticed many people talking to these preachers, more than usual, and I got to thinking about fear.

And about death.

Then I thought about the Italian woman who missed her Air France 447 flight, the flight that crashed in the Atlantic, and was killed in a car crash a few days later.

As an aunt of mine told me, years ago, “when it’s your time, it’s your time.”

I’ve spent so much of my life worrying, anxiety-ridden about one thing or the other, and these days I have no patience for my lifelong angst.

It’s a waste of my time.

And worrying makes my stomach hurt, gives me intestinal gas and makes my head pound.

Truth is, I’m not gonna live forever.

Heck, I could walk to the bus stop tomorrow, fail to look to my left and right, and get hit by a car.

Or I could get cancer.

Or be attacked.

The list is endless.

I’m tired of the fear, and right now I just want to life a peaceful life, enjoy my family, and work in my chosen profession.

When death comes knocking on my door, I’ve decided that I will utter the words, “oh crap.”

And then it is my plan to let go, and hope that, after all, there is a heaven and I will walk towards the light.

On the other side of that light, I’m hoping, I will find my grandmother, mom, dad, and friends Bob and Mary, all waiting for me with outstretched arms and many happy tears.

Okay, maybe you are still reading this and think I’m full of crap (my favorite word today, it appears).

Hey, this is my death story, okay?

You each have the right to write about your own death.

Thing is, during these hard times for our world, I’m noticing that my fears are quickly decreasing.

What’s the point?

I’m going to die some day anyway, I just don’t know when or how.

Really, I do not want to know.

It’s easier that way, really and truly it is.

My relationships with my family and colleagues are super duper, I have finally learned how to just say no to effed up relationships, and I’m living my kind of life (which you all know about, since I share the boring details with you all daily).

After years upon years, I believe that I have finally learned how to face up to my fears.

Well, most days anyway.

So, to answer the street corner preacher who tried to get me to repent earlier today, I will answer now that I talk to God all the time, usually at night before I fall asleep.

Every night, I apologize for my mistakes and promise that I’ve learned better by screwing up.

I wish the few people I don’t like a long, happy, and bountiful life.

And then I thank God for another day of life.

And I promise that, if given the gift of another day of life, I will faithfully practice living life fearlessly.

End of essay.

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About boomergrl49

Mom, Grandma, social worker, blogger. I love reading fiction of all kinds, and I'm also addicted to television, especially Fringe!

Posted on June 13, 2009, in living fearlessly. Bookmark the permalink. 14 Comments.

  1. Living fearlessly is GOOD, not always easy– but good!
    Thanks for sharing. xo

  2. Joanna, you said a mouthful…living fearlessly is not always easy! Thanks for the comment!

  3. Great! Keep up the great posts ……..

  4. Well Gran if this is a crap post then I like crap posts.

    Yeah I think you just get to the point when you go through stuff and you just become tired of the negativity and feeling like crap. I am at that point now and its taken a long while to get here.

    You deal with all the horrible stuff so that you learn things and sounds like you have learnt want you need to. I agree you just have got to keep moving forward and do your best to avoid the shite that comes your way.

    I get it I do. And when your time is up your time is up and so be it. That story of the Italian woman is freakish. She clearly was meant to go.

    On another note my Dad was telling me last night that when he was near to death years ago (he was in intenisve care), he woke up suddenly and saw my young daughter (at the time) next to him and told her to run and get my mother. He said he saw a white light and there was someone calling him, come, come. But he didnt want to go with them before he asked my mother if it was ok to go. Interesting hey. She was too late coming back so he said no he didnt want to go this time. My Dad is the no crap sort too so I thought this was intriguing.

    Anyway have a crap free weekend and avoid all the doo gooders who are just working on people's insecuities. The government and media do a fine job of all that without anyone else doing it.

    I love it when you have longer posts like this!! More crap please Gran.

  5. Hey gran that was a great post, I am the worry free type myself about death anyway, it is coming to all of us and worrying won't help and like you I would not want to know when the end will come, now that might get on ones nerves a bit and I look forward to something else, something better than what we have.

  6. Hello Gran
    Wow – where did that come from lol
    There you were earlier in the the day just puddling around the kitchen singing and happy 'cose all you had was a cold and then the next thing you're carrying on about death and not worrying about when your turn is.
    Tell you what, I'd stay away from the big smoke if I was you – there are strange people there who have problems:)
    Thanks for a great read – you'll find the hankies in the top drawer, for the runny nose that is lol
    Take care
    Cathy

  7. HI Gran
    The day will surely come, so I do not worry abut death. I try to live as healthily and good as possible. How does one have a good night sleep worrying about death?? Live life!

  8. Lilly, thanks so much for your comments. Thanks for letting me know about Des' experience–your father defines cool.

    Thanks again!

  9. Keats, I love your positive attitude about living! Thanks for stopping by again.

  10. Cathy: LOL! I've been thinking about this post for awhile, I guess, and the Jesus Freaks made me think yesterday 🙂

    Seattle is such an interesting city–so many different types of people sharing space.

  11. Hey Floyd, thanks a lot for your comments. I'm glad to hear you don't worry about death either.

  12. Amen amen AMEN !!!!

    Gran~that,is what it is all about.
    I'd say you have all your priorities in order and the faith to see path through to the end. i cannot think of better outlook!
    I toast you!

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